Season 4, Episode 4

"Audition"

Denny Woodkin - David Cross
Director - Dino Stamatopoulos
Norm - Bob Odenkirk


*reading from clipboard*

Dino: Denny... Woodkin?

Denny: Yeah, right here.

Dino: Great, hi.  Right this way.

*they enter audition room*

Dino: This is Norm, the producer.

Norm: Hi.

*they shake hands*

Denny: Hi, I'm Denny Woodkin, ah, and the monologue I'll be performing now is from the play
entitled "The Audition," by Gavin Hollerwood.

Dino: Well, how apropos.

*both laugh*

Norm: You can start anytime.

Denny: Ok. *gains composure* Ok...  Can I use this chair?

Norm: Sure.

Denny: Oh, no... I started it.  That's- that's part of the monologue.

*both laugh*

Dino: Oh, I thought you were asking us to-

Denny: No, I was doing it. *composes himself again* Can... I... use this chair?

Norm: *stops himself just in time*

Denny: *long stare*

Dino: Yeah, that's fine, you-

Denny: No, no, I...

*both laugh again*

Dino: One to one!  I'm sorry, it's... alright, start again.

Denny:  Alright... Can, can I use this chair?  Seriously, can I use it?  *long pause*  Helloooo? 
I need it.  For the audition.  *another pause*  Could somebody answer me?  Jesus, talk to me!

Both: Yeah, sure, that's fine-

Denny: NO! You're-

Norm: Ah, jeez!  Ok, ok, we'll get it this time.

Denny: Alright, can I start again?

Norm: Please do.

Denny: Can I use this chair?

Norm: Ye- *just catches himself*

Denny: Seriously, can I use it? Hello?  I need it for the audition.  Could somebody answer me? 
Jesus, talk to me!  I'm a human being up here, for God's sake.  Don't just look at each other,
answer me! CAN I use it?

Dino: Yes!

Denny: NOOO!

Norm: Now that's in there?  "Don't just look at each other?"

Denny: Yes!

Dino: Exactly when we did it?

Denny:  Yes, it's a good play.

Dino: Yeah, I guess so.

Denny: I mean, it comes from experience, from a real place.

Denny: Ok, start again... Can I use this chair? Seriously, can I use it?  Hello?  I need it for
the audition.  Could somebody answer me?  Jesus, talk to me!  I mean, I'm a human being up here,
for God's sake.  Don't just look at each other, answer me! CAN I use it? *long pause* God! *gets
up to leave, comes back* You know, you guys sit there, you know, you and your stupid designer tie
and your dumbass glasses and imported bottled water, sitting looking down on the lonely actor on
the stage, gettin' off on your power trip.  Well, you know what, fuck you!  I don't need to be in
your stupid dumbass sitcom, it's fucking retarted, it's not funny.  You know what, I read- it's
never going to work.  You know- fuck you!  Fuck you guys... *storms out of the room, slams door*

Dino: Whoa.

Norm: THAT was weird.

Dino: What was that?

Norm: I...

*Denny returns, smiling*

Denny: *singing* End scene!

*both surprised, start clapping*

Norm: Oh, great!

Denny: *furious* [b]NO[/b]!  It- God!  Let me start again, can I use this chair?  Seriously-

Dino: No, no, no, kid!  We've seen enough.  ...you got the goods.

Denny: Really?

*cut to sitcom*